So today classes started. And the way I pictured things would be was, as usual, very far from reality. I thought I’d go to a full class, with a teacher I’d never seen before. I was wrong. I thought I’d see some friends and catch up or take a picture. I was wrong. I wished class would end early and I’d go have breakfast at Les Mille Delicies. I’d be at ease, happy. Maybe even I’d see Nora, and she’d smile at me. Maybe Julieta would join me at breakfast.
But none of those things happened, and though I’m not disappointed, it did throw off my cool, I suppose. First familiar face I saw was Ronnie. As fate would have it, he was talking to none other than Gaby, the manic pixie dreamgirl of his dreams, who through his eyes is a flawless creature, but through mine is just another dead-eyed hipster who worked very hard on her image and probably still practices her Amelie stare in the mirror. I am obviously not a big fan of her, especially because every time Ronnie is working really hard on impressing a girl, he completely forgets I exist and even begins to avoid me.
It probably sounds like I’m in love with him or something, but our friendship dynamic works in strange ways: I mostly ignore him and smile and drive him to coffee shops, he listens to all my emotional troubles. He plasters our social networks with our selfies, I give him the ocassional hug. He obsesses, I keep our distance.
My first class turned out to be made up of three students (myself included), and an old teacher I’d had before and who may or may not be senile, as he rambled on and on about politics and his professional achievements of yore in between accounting info (which was supposed to be the topic to be covered, our class is Accounting). I was the first one to arrive in class, thought I myself was 15 minutes late. It was almost unbearable. Later Ronnie showed up and we chatted through the window, and not once did he ask me about the convention, or the MARCO visits, or if I was finally over Landeros. None of the things he knew I am bursting to share with him. Instead he updated me on his crush, and by then I’d had enough and interrupted him, instead bragging about Julieta and how much I admire her work experience. He was fascinated. He now wants to meet her and is looking forward to tagging along if I ever get together with her.
So now here I am at Les Mille Delicies, and even though it’s no longer morning and I didn’t have breakfast here as planned, I still came. In fact, I was so indecisive about coming that I drove faster and stormed into the shop, demanding a drink, any drink, that could help my thirst. The guy in charge (very handsome, by the way) suggested a vanilla iced coffee and I took that as a sign, so here I am, spilling my unconformities onto paper in a lovely place, listening to lovely music (currently playing “Breezeblocks”, though before they’d put “Piano Man”, “How Great Thou Art”, and “I Won’t Give Up”).
(Update: talked to cute shop guy, he picks the music)
So anywho, all of yesterday I thought about goals I want to set for myself, at least for this semester, as it’s my last one and it’s therefore important for me to feel like I’m closing a cycle, a chapter here. From then on it’s uncharted territory, and I must plan it well.
I suppose my very first goal is to speak my mind in front of others. I’ve discussed it before, it’s easy for me to diminish myself and make room for others, when really, all along I should’ve been building my podium and declare, “Here I am, this is what I think too”.
(Update: cute guy made me an iced mocha, says it’s on the house)
So yes, I will now be making a conscious effort to not take other people’s opinions before mine, and if they’re overstepping a line, to make them take that step back and leave me be if necessary.
That’s more of an emotional goal. Obviously I need to do more:
- Find prácticas profesionales.
- Keep up with the graduation paperwork for the degree.
- Research on realistic master’s degrees abroad.
In that order. None seems easy but I have got to start moving, do things, obtain fulfillment and independence and not burden my parents anymore. I am of age, I could start helping them now.
I do not know in which direction I’m going, not truly. At this point in time I still doubt my capability, my efficiency, my brain power, and my drive. Will I succeed? I don’t know. Will I ever know my true calling, if such a thing exists? I don’t know.
Do I have potential? I don’t know. So we’ll see how it goes this semester, the key to the door of my future (or at least it feels that way right now. Maybe in 10 years I will feel silly for being so anxious right now. Only time will tell).
(Update: thanked cute shop guy for the coffee, caught him busy, didn’t stay)
dreamlessons 